Accelerate: The Art of the Apology

When apologizing is the right thing to do, make it count

By Janet Heit

Sorry I’m late. I was in another meeting.”

“Sorry. May I suggest . . .”

“Sorry I’m talking so much.”

Do these phrases sound familiar to you? Many women are so used to apologizing that they don’t think twice about it. However, they should, especially in the workplace, where over-apologizing can be misconstrued as a lack of self-esteem. “Women apologize for everything,” says Noilyn Mendoza, founder of The Radiant U, an energy-healing and coaching consultancy for women of color.

“Interestingly, you actually seem more blameworthy by apologizing than by not apologizing,” writes Nupur Arya, senior global facilitator with Harvard
Business Publishing, in “Stop Over-Apologizing at Work,” in the Harvard Business Review.

Mendoza recommends saving apologies for when they’re truly needed. “As women of color in the workplace, we’re constantly adapting and playing to a space, seldom presenting our complete selves,” she says. “This often manifests in unintentional apologies, whether through subtle body language or when expressing our opinions . . . I’ve seen women, especially women of color, apologize for their success. This is a sentiment we need to consciously challenge and overcome.”

Mendoza advises substituting a positive in place of a negative: “If I have back-to-back meetings, or if it takes me a little longer than expected to reply to an email, I thank the other person for being patient,” she says. “Instead of apologizing for being a little late, I thank them for being flexible. Instead of saying ‘I’m so sorry. I’m not going to be able to do that,’ try ‘I’m unable to do it, but thank you for considering me.’ These are ways of acknowledging the other person as opposed to putting the onus on you.”

Cynthia Pong, JD, founder and CEO of Embrace Change, a career coaching and training firm working with women of color, concurs. “Over-apologizing can be detrimental to advancement in that it inherently minimizes our presence and what we’re bringing to the table,” Pong says. “Sometimes, we do it strategically, and sometimes we have to do it because there is that expectation that a woman will apologize, especially when combined with any stereotype bias you might be facing, like the ‘angry Black woman’ trope, a convenient pretext and excuse to marginalize you.”

Pong continues: “Our emotional intelligence skills are typically very high because we have to navigate certain spaces, so we can be savvy about when we apologize. If you’re inclined to say ‘Sorry, I’m talking so much,’ you could say ‘Thank you for listening to me.’ There’s always a way to flip it, and then it becomes an effective way to build the empathy of the relationship.” Pong adds that it’s important to be straightforward when you do choose to apologize: “The more words you add, the more it sounds like your apology is not genuine.”

Linguist and professor Deborah Tannen has spent her career researching differences in how women and men deploy language. In her seminal 1994 book Talking from 9 to 5, she examines gendered language in the workplace. In her chapter on apologies, fittingly titled “Sorry, I’m Not Apologizing,” Tannen demonstrates how many women employ “I’m sorry” as a “conversational smoother” to convey friendliness and concern for another’s well-being. She shares an example of asking a woman for her office phone number, to which the woman immediately replied, “Oh, I’m sorry . . .” Tannen points out that the woman “had done nothing wrong . . . She was not apologizing; she was just uttering an automatic conversational smoother to assure me she had no intention of rushing me off the phone or denying me her number.”

“Conversation is ritual,” says Tannen, and using “I’m sorry” to convey collegiality is perfectly acceptable—as long as the ritual is mutually understood. (A similar conversational ritual she notes is when people express condolences to the bereaved by saying “I’m sorry for your loss.”) Tannen and others have found that in the workplace, saying “sorry” as a conversation smoother is more likely to be understood between women, whereas a male colleague or
supervisor could perceive it as a lack of confidence or self-defeating, a mischaracterization that could hinder your salary or career trajectory.

Apologize when it matters

Of course, there are times when only a genuine “I’m sorry” will do: for example, you’ve missed a deadline or spoken too sharply or let down your team. The executive director of a New York City nonprofit hired someone for a position on her own after the candidate who’d been vetted and approved by her management team didn’t work out—a top-down decision that circumvented established protocols. Her staff quickly made their discontent known. “As an executive director, I want to be in an environment where staff can feel trusting and safe,” she said. “That’s one of my highest values. So right after it happened, I took responsibility and acknowledged to my team that I did not handle the process as well as I could have.”

Experts agree that addressing your mistake promptly and sincerely while accepting responsibility is crucial. “People know when you’re truly remorseful,” says Mendoza. “And I’ve heard from a lot of clients that they’ve actually gained deeper respect [through apologizing]. It’s great modeling for a leader.”

In addition to apologizing, the unnamed executive director also committed to doing things differently going forward. “I’ve been suggesting to executive director colleagues that we meet to talk about mistakes we’ve made and what we’ve learned. So far, no one’s taken me up on it, but I think we could gain a lot.”

That level of bravery is rare and highly valued, says Pong. “Most people don’t want to ask that because they don’t want the answer! . . . I think it’s almost too much vulnerability for people these days. But it’s what I would recommend.”

Writing in Harvard Business Review, Arya advises that sincerity and taking responsibility are key to rebuilding the bridge to someone you’ve wronged. “When you apologize, remember not to make it about yourself,” she adds. “By saying something like you ‘feel hurt,’ you’re telling the other person that they’re at fault . . . A sincere apology is about accepting that you were at fault and that you’re ready to make amends.”

Above all, avoid the passive-aggressive “I’m sorry that you feel that way,” says Pong. “It can be really infuriating when the person on the receiving end knows that there was something wrong or unjust. It’s like extra salt on the wound.”

Another benefit to saying “I’m sorry”: empathy building

There is one other time when it may be appropriate and appreciated to say “I’m sorry,” and it’s very different from the self-deprecating practice of over-apologizing or the apology that comes after an admitted wrong. It’s when the words come straight from your heart to express genuine caring and empathy.

In work as in life, we all make mistakes. Your peers will appreciate your effort to correct those mistakes. So, when you inevitably make a misstep, let your communication style help you own it, grow from it, and become the change you wish to see in the world. DW

Janet Heit is a writer and frequent contributor to Diversity Woman. She can be reached at Janet.M.Heit.DEI@gmail.com.